episode 023: strike back

Well, that didn't work.

It's been months since my last post and I've gained everything back again. I'm just that kind of smart. But I do feel lucky because while I have regained (and even gained a little), I only gained five pounds more than my original highest weight back in 2012. I feel super lucky.

Unfortunately, I'm thinking of putting this back on LJ. I have one just sitting there and I have a friend that I feel I need to support with posts. So, I'll see you on my personal blog, revulo.livejournal.com. Bye!

episode 022: irritated

I come in to work early and what do I find? The big, two liter bottle of water I left to drink today is gone. Poof. Grr. Now, I hate slow eaters (people that take like...a MONTH to eat something in the fridge), but this wasn't slow eating! Subtracting the weekend, I only left it for one day! What the hell!?

I'm trying not to be as irritated as I feel, because my co-worker is nice and has given me PLENTY of stuff. Just...dammit, I didn't want to have to make multiple trips to the water fountain today. Grr, whatever. Shake it off, Robyn.

episode 021: flush

This post is a bit TMI, just so you know.

As I promised myself, I'm back on the water. I've been taking it slow--I haven't completely cut out juice, but I have stopped soda (yes, I know juice can be just as bad as soda, gimme a break). I've been drinking one liter of water, but I want to increase it a little. Maybe by half a liter today. EDIT: And I DID.

I'm just amazed that this little bit of water is managing to flush me out. Pee, crap, pee, crap, pee, pee, pee, crap, that is my day. And there is a lot to go, I imagine.

And no...as much as I dream this to be true, my ankles are not 'normal' yet. I'll get there.

episode 020: shame

I think that hurts the most about regain is the shame. You were already hurting because of being so big in the first place, but this is so much worse.

The thing that I'm most ashamed of in this second regain is not my ankles swelling so badly again (though that would be a close second. It's the fact that I've had to abandon my computer room. I do a LOT in there. I conlang (make constructed languages) and a lot of my stuff is on the computer. Oh yeah, I haven't STOPPED, but I've been forced to rely almost solely on my laptop for my creative stuff because I can't be comfortable in there.

Last year, I bought a smaller desk to be a little more ergonomic. And I just needed a new one. I loved it SO MUCH. But now I can't use it because I've gotten to big for it and my computer chair. (Sure, I can FIT, but the sides pinch me and it effing HURTS.)

I want to go back to the days where I didn't HAVE to use the laptop all the time at home. Well, because of my size, anyway. It's an old comp and sound can be finicky. Boo.

EDIT: This was written and meant to be posted two days ago. WTF, Blogger?

episode 019: last days

Today was the last day of school.

Not for the teachers, but I don't even care. The kids are gone. THE KIDS ARE GONE, HOLY FUCK, THE KIDS ARE GONE. I wasn't kidding when (if?) I mentioned that this year had been challenging. So when I JUMPED back off the wagon in February, I was really stressed out. Me and the classroom teacher I was with couldn't get it together, we both blew the fuck up health-wise. There was just SO much we had to deal with...

But I made a deal with myself. As soon as the kids are gone, I'm getting back on this ride. I allowed the kids to freak out my mind and rob me of my health for months, it isn't fair.

Slowly.

I'm going back on my water tomorrow, I think I'll modify my eating in a week or so. Also...I'm scared to get on the scale. I don't think I will for a while. I REALLY blew up. I won't be able to go back to the elaborate rewards system I set up for a while. BUT! One step at a time.

episode 018: february 1, 2014

Height: 5’4”
Highest weight: 378lbs
Starting weight: 362lbs (regain)
Current weight: 337
Total burned: 41lbs
Highest BMI: 64.9
Current BMI: 57.8
Pants/skirt size: 26/28

I think I can slow down. I want to do this in a healthy way, and nine pounds in a week is scary.

episode 017: blast! foiled again!

There was a snow day AND my TOM arrived yesterday. Not a great combination. Thank goodness I only gained a few ounces.

I don't have much to report other than that. I hit my second mini-goal the other day, but I was finally able to record it on the big chart today. So yay! That's two buttons I can order.

I'm thinking of getting my first tattoo over my ankle. I'm just so proud of my ankles that I might as well.

episode 016: hey ma! no hands! pt.2

I am just so excited about feet and ankles I don't know what to do!

You know that part of tennis shoes where there are two upper laces that people usually tighten or loosen? I've usually always had to ta the laces out of both holes. But this morning I was able to re-lace one of the holes in my shoe yiiiiiiiiiiisssssss. Also, it was a little snug with the sock on, but I was able to get a 9 1/2 shoe on comfortably!! Happy, happy, happy.

episode 015:ultimate test

My feet aren't swelling anymore.

Today I went to work in shoes that "aren't supportive" (not tennis shoes) to see if my feet would swell again. And after a LONG DAY with NO BREAK (yes, I could sit, but when you have kids all day you need more than that), NO SWELLING! Yessssssssssssssssss

I hope this continues! I can get a pair of sandals during the summer! Flip-flops, even!

The bad news is that I dropped my one liter water bottle and broke it today. Boooo.

episode 014: 118lbs

I just depressed myself majorly.

I was looking at the forums of 3FC and I saw an old post of mine where I talked about losing 118lbs. Holy crap. How did I manage to screw up this much in six months? I'm now at 20lbs. That's almost 100lbs away, my god.

But then I thought about how I wouldn't screw up as much this time around, either. I know what I'm doing. I don't have to go with Mom for that devastating hospital stay again (gained back 9lbs). I'm gonna make it.

Still wish I hadn't let myself go, though.

In lighter news, my feet and legs haven't swollen yet! EEEEEE! :D

episode 013: january 25, 2013

Height: 5’4”
Highest weight: 378lbs
Starting weight: 362lbs (regain)
Current weight: 346
Total burned: 32lbs
Highest BMI: 64.9
Current BMI: 59.4
Pants/skirt size: 32/34 (I think)

And yet I wore a pair of 22/24 pants yesterday?? I don't know.

Also, I am very happy to report that I stayed strong last night and I has a woosh on the scale this morning (not reflected in the numbers above, though). 3lbs! If I were anyone else, I'd panic, but being as big as I am (and I kinda struggled this week), I'll take it!

episode 012: omg so pissed

I gained a pound. RIGHT AFTER I made a post about doing those things to cheat, I went ahead and did them. It was pretty disgusting. Texas Pete hot sauce is pretty mild, but it has a nice twang to it, so I like to just take swigs of it. (I believe one character did that in Touched by an Angel?). I would do that and eat tortilla chips. So I threw them both away this morning. Ugh, no more, please.

Like my mother, I am a night eater. I do SO WELL during the day, but when I'm at home, I've got zero accountability going on. I think it's because I like watching TV in the living room, which is adjacent to the kitchen. Easy access. If I keep myself occupied in my room or the computer room (also right beside the kitchen, but behind it in a way that it's not in my immediate view), I may have a chance.

The only problem today is that a co-worker may take me home today. With two hours to kill by myself, I may be destructive. I better take a nap, then work out when I wake up again.

I should get back into drawing everyday. It's frustrating, but at least I don't eat when I'm in the zone.

EDIT: Speaking of drawing, the other day, another episode of My 600-lbs Life premiered, featuring this woman named Penny. It was on of the most frustrated episode's I'd ever seen, because she's just like me. I don't make stupid excuses about my diet or live in a fantasy world about my weight, but I do make excuses about art, I believe. It's hard to admit it, but I'm afraid (really afraid) that the weight holding me back on my art is a bit of an excuse. Some of it's legit (like not being comfortable in some drawing positions and things), but I should be more resourceful than that.

EDIT 2: The co-worker thing and working out didn't happen. But dinner was nice, breakfast for dinner. Two scrambled eggs and some cereal. Maybe some yogurt if I get hungry later. BUT I AM STICKING TO IT.

episode 011: hey ma! no hands! pt.1

I wanted to write down any NSVs (non-scale victories) that come to mind. I'm not always comfortable about making whole threads for myself on 3FC. So here we go!

I've lost 17lbs and...

     1. I can already walk better! I'm tumbling way less. I would nearly fall all the time.
     2. My knees feel so much better!!
     3. My ankles aren't swelling as much when I stay on plan! In fact, they didn't swell at all today!! It was amazing. Oh please please please do that again tomorrow!

And that's it for now. Yay!

episode 010: what could go wrong?

I have exercised twice this week. On both of those days, I gained a few ounces rather than lose anything. It's not because of water retention in sore muscles or anything like that. It's because of me losing my effin' mind and cheating a little when I know darn well that I should not.  I have to get myself together! Eating chips...pfft. It wasn't enough to make me be hugely depressed (three or four ounces each day), but enough to think about it.

I think I want to go out to lunch this weekend. I keep seeing commercials for these entrees under 500 calories and I wanna try one. I'm not necessarily counting calories (I've never posted am eating plan because I don't have one, really), but it sounds like a good idea, yes?

episode 009: i'll tell you what i want, what i really really want

I want to be an artist.

More than nice shoes or cute outfits. A fine artist. I'm not out to be anything more than hobbyist right now, but that's what I want to do.

I know that technically it's really simple to get better at art--practice. But as  am, practicing the way I want to is...uncomfortable, I know I should draw with the whole arm for long arcs and smooth lines. My huge arm and boob won't let me. Staying in one position a long time is torture. And the thought of being the oldest AND fattest one in a life drawing class makes me want to run screaming (well, walk fast screaming).

I know this just sounds like excuses, but it's the only explanation I have for not being able to use a tablet competently after using one since my second college year.

I want to have no excuses available to me, I suppose.

episode 008: journey of a lot of steps

It's a pretty typical story. In 2011, my friend had gotten weight loss surgery. I saw her after Christmas (this was maybe 10 months after she did it) and she looked AMAZING. But not only that, she had a new friend that she'd do things with all the time, like shoe shopping. At all time, and easily because she didn't have to worry about swelling feet. So I decided I was going to have it, too. I tried to have it before but I didn't pass the psychological exam, so I was nervous.

I ended up finally seeing the doctor on March 5th, 2012. I passed the psychological this time, and as routine for most WLS surgeons, he asked me to lose 30 to 40lbs before he considered anything (to make surgery easier and see if I could stick to a diet. I was slightly disappointed, by I agreed. I would start the very next day.

I don't know what I ended up doing was perfect or not, but I ended up doing very well. I dropped a little over 100 lbs by Christmas of that year. But when Christmas came, it hit hard.

After the winter holidays, I just couldn't get myself back together. There were times that I would try to get back on track, I may have lasted a few days, but my heart wasn't in it. I kept yo-yoing.

I was also learning how to drive at the time (I don't drive). My big goal was to have my license and drive myself to my co-worker's wedding in July. But when I failed to do so, I kind of gave up on everything for a while. Then came One Piece, and [we all know the story from there].

Welp. That's what pretty much happened. I hope I can keep up with it this time. I have to.

episode 007: RUN! RUN! RUN!

This is my plan for exercise. I think know that I jumped into it a little too fast and too much last time, so I'm trying to be a little more methodical. This is what I want to do:

Phase 1:  (which starts today) I start with chair exercising. It's embarrassing, but I gotta start slow. There are plenty of videos on YouTube I can use, so that's no problem. I plan on doing this exclusively until around 320lbs, three to five times a week.

Phase 2: Walking Cardio ([Leslie Sansone's Walk Away the Pounds Express]). The 1-Mile work out. I want to do that (in combination with the chair exercise) three to five times a week until I break out of the 300s.

Phase 3: 2-Mile stage of the walking cardio program (in combination with the 1-Mile). This'll be done three to five times a week until about 250lbs (I think I need a little extra time in this phase).

Phase 4: 3-Mile stage of the walking cardio program (in combination with the 2-Mile). This'll be done three to five times a week until about 225lbs.

Phase 5: HIIT (High Intensity Interval Training). I believe that I have a program around my room about that. If not, there are many vids around YouTube with workouts I can use. I plan to use this in conjunction with the 3-Mile work out until about 175.

Phase 6: Weightlifting and workouts that other women do (like with lunges and stuff. I need a class, I guess. Zumba, too?) I said before that I was weightlifting and I feel like I did much. I think I wasn't ready for it, but I think starting here will help. This is all in conjunction with HIIT/Insanity.

I think that when I get to goal, I want to do Tai Chi. I've always wanted to, but I've had really crappy balance. So I want weight training and cardio to rev me up and Tai Chi to cool me down. Hmmm, can't wait.

I realize I said nothing about water aerobics, which is a good work out for people of my size and I have nothing against it. It isn't listed because it's an activity that is really dependent on the weather, in my opinion, and I have no idea when the summer months coincide with my phases. So I may  end up doing it. I just don't know when.

episode 006: the half-ton killer

Holy. Hannah.

The other day I was looking up something on YouTube and I found a program on the "Half-Ton Killer". in 2008, Mayra Rosales of La Joya, Texas, was 1036lbs (74 stone, I believe?). She had accepted the blame for the death of her nephew because she felt like she was gonna die anyway. She said that she slipped and fell on him, crushing his skull. Thank goodness her lawyer didn't buy that lame excuse and was willing to get the truth from her.

It was all very interesting. I was in the room with someone else at the time, or I would have been crying my eyes out when I first saw the video. My feet and ankles swell up often and it hurts, so when I saw her swollen legs (so full of water that sometimes they would be dripping) it was like someone punched me. It looked so painful. I'm very happy that Mayra has [lost 800lbs since then]. I'm so glad the swelling doesn't happen anymore.

Man, I started crying a little as I was typing that.

episode 005: january 18, 2014

New "series"! It's just me giving my current measurements (as current as the ones on my chart. Remember, I don't update it every day, to avoid jinxing myself, I guess). Here we go:

Height: 5’4”
Highest weight: 378lbs
Starting weight: 362lbs (regain)
Current weight: 354
Total burned: 24lbs
Highest BMI: 64.9
Current BMI: 60.8
Pants/skirt size: 32/34 (I think)

I do have other measurements, such as my neck, arms, and waist. But I don't think that's important to post until I start weightlifting. And that's a long way away (200lbs). I started before that last time, I don't think I was incredibly effective. Can't wait to start that and trying to run again. (I'll get into why I think I stopped exercising later.)

Also, today is a "cheat" day! Not that I'm really doing anything more than intuitive eating, so I don't have a plan to cheat on. It's more like "treat" day). I'm going to have this thing called a [Mexican Casserole Bowl] for lunch. I hope it's good, I've been excited about it all week. I know that's indicative of my food obsession, but eff it, I've only been back on this for a week, gimme a break!

EDIT: The cheat meal that I was looking so forward to? Not worth the anticipation. I took some tiny bites, trying to like it, but I couldn't. It was just too full of bread for me. Not to mention I was feeling bad about it anyway because of  the nutrition facts. I'll just have some baked chicken and salad. Whatever.

episode 004: ankles

I was on 3FC the other day and I read an old post from a few months ago about silly reasons for losing weight. Many of the answers people listed on there weren't silly in the least, and I suppose the one I'm about to talk about isn't silly, either. I wanted to post my biggest reason for doing this.

Feet. More specifically, my ankles.

I don't mean buying pretty shoes (though I like pretty shoes and that's a pretty good reason to me), but it's about freedom. I look at other people's ankles all the time. They're cool. I don't want my ankles and feet to swell by the end of a work day. I want to ice skate without my feet buckling under my weight. I want to wear flimsy sandals on a hot day! I have to wear sneakers all the time, it's confining!

So, yeah, there are other body parts that bother me and unhealthy habits I want to change. I want to not be afraid of my body giving out on a trip overseas or be afraid of hard work when I become a pirate. But my feet. That's what I really want to change.

episode 003: training montage!

One reason that I didn't keep up with it, I believe, is that I didn't make much of an effort to change my eating habits. Sure, I changed what and how much I ate most of the time, but I mean that I didn't follow one crucial piece of the nutritionist's advice: eat slowly.  I would still eat lighting fast, and I don't think I would digest as well or stay full as long.

So this time around, I'm making a conscious effort to eat slowly. As in eating a spoonful or two (or bites) of whatever and pushing it away from me for a minute before taking another.

It's going slow right now, but I'm trying. I'm also finding that it helps if I'm alternating what I'm eating? Like if I have two parts of my meal, I go from one food to the other (still going slowly, of course). Keeps me from being bored with that I eat, I suppose.

EDIT: Today a lunch, I treated myself to a tuna footlong from Subway and could only eat a little over half of it before I stopped because I felt full. Usually, I would just stuff he whole thing down no matter what and feel miserable later. This eating slowly thing is awesome!

episode 002: rewards

The last time I was doing this, I tried using [Visualization Beads] as a motivational tool. It didn't leave me with a very good impression. I would lose count often and not keep track of it and ehhh I just didn't like tracking every pound like that (I was at a high number, so seeing the even larger "pounds to go" jar was discouraging). So I'm using a kind of three step motivation program:

1. Splitting the Cost: I have over 200lbs to lose, but looking at it all in one HUGE chunk is a serious downer. So instead, I'm splitting it up into four phases: 63lbs, 50lbs, 50lbs, and 50lbs. The first three phases will have one or two months of maintenance following it. I'll celebrate the end of the first three phases with large, non-clothing purchases. Maybe the last one will be a vacation to see one of my non-USAn friends.

2. Tracking Pound by Pound: I made a chart on a piece of cardstock that has every pound I wish to lose in the phase that I'm in. I cross out each pound as I lose it. (Rule: Two days must pass before crossing out a number. To rule out the scale being wonky that particular day or something. My [3FC] trackers will follow this same rule) I'm also recording all of my numbers on a separate piece of paper for posterity.

3. Celebrating Mini-Goals: On the phase chart, I keep track of mini-goals as well. Every ten pounds (well, 12 for the first goal, I hate uneven numbers. Well...12 is an even number, but it's not divisible by five) I'm going to purchase a button (such as [these]) and put it on my messenger bag/purse. I know this is just like getting a charm for a charm bracelet, but I'm not interested in charms.

It may not be a perfect system, but I like it. And I thought of the mini-celebrations just now! Yes!

episode 001: first post!

I think I'm going to make my diet blog here. I can post here from work, which is when I have most of my ideas, anyway.

Anyway, back in 2012, on March 5th, I started dieting for real. In seven months, I'd lost 100 lbs! I was doing great. But then there was Christmas and I never really got my momentum back from that. I lost a few pounds, but I would keep yo-yoing because I couldn't maintain it. Then the summer of 2012 was here and I became obsessed with a certain anime that's over 600 episodes (*cough* One Piece) and I just lost my mind. For a few weeks my life was just eating and watching that show. Almost all day, every day. Then school started (I'm a teacher's assistant at an elementary school, and I could have recovered from that HUGE set back, but my heart wasn't in it.

But I'm back on the wagon. I started again for realsies on January 13th, 2014, and I already feel so much better! I don't know why I waited so long to get back on the horse. I'd very nearly regained everything, I had to go back to the few fat pants that I had saved, I even had to buy a few more at Wal-Mart, which I loathe to do. I was so happy being able to easily find my sizes on the rack. I was back at the hunting game again.

Whatever. Spilled milk. I'm back in a big way. I've already lost at least six pounds (i don't know if I messed up the first day or if I'm misremembering my start weight. But I'm certain that I've gone from 362 to 356. I love the wooshes you get when you first start. Very motivating.